rainbow rice cake

백령도

I am trapped here again.

The sea fog has settled in.
The sea and the sky have already lost their boundary,
and things disappear one by one, beginning with those farthest away.
I can count only a few of the dragon’s teeth lined along the beach.
The rest have entered something white and damp.

Whenever I hear the name dragon’s teeth,
I imagine the teeth of an actual dragon.
Something enormous buried beneath the sand,
with only its teeth left above the surface.

I know what they are made to keep out.
But when I look at them long enough,
they begin to seem like the opposite.

As if they are waiting for something
to come out of the sea.

A 999K and an ARF hang from my back.
On one side, a bag for spent cartridges pulls my body downward,
and a lump of metal rests against my arm.

It is heavy.

Strangely, the weight feels familiar, almost welcome.
Because I already know exactly how heavy it is.

I know which part of my shoulder begins to hurt first,
how many steps I can take before I have to lift the strap and settle it again,
and which way to tilt the lump of metal
so that it hurts my wrist a little less.

Inside my combat boots,
my big toe is cold.

I don't know if my socks are actually wet.
The part around my big toe is always cold
as if it were soaked through.

I shift my weight from side to side.
My right heel knocks against my left,
then my left heel knocks against my right.

Tap.
Tap.

After doing this for a while,
a small amount of warmth appears inside my boots.

It is never enough to warm the whole foot.
I wait for the warmth from my heels to travel across the soles
and reach my big toe.

Most of the time,
it never does.

As soon as I stop moving,
the big toe is the first thing to turn cold again.

I don't remember the other toes.

I remember only the big toe.

I remember the password for that day too.

When someone speaks the first half
from somewhere inside the fog,
I know the second half.

There is nothing strange about this.

I have been here before.
I already walk this road.
I already carry the same weight.
I already give the same answer.

The problem is that, at the same time,
it has been a long time since I left this place.

I take the boat away from Baengnyeongdo.
Years pass.
I live in different cities and meet people
whom the person I am now has not yet met.

I remember all of it.

And still,
the big toe inside my combat boot is cold.

Someone in the fog asks for the password.

I answer.

And I walk again.

This time too,
I know what is going to happen.